Sometimes..

..Some things can't easily be pushed away. Many factors come in to play to hold something bad in place, while many others work to bring the good. Lately I've been struggling to push the bad off and overcome some very simple barriers, which is funny since I have been incredibly positive lately - the happy, smiley, productive, positive person that I would like to be has slowly been building within me to be sincerely who I am. Where I used to be generally unhappy on the inside for various reasons, I would mull along at a steady pace; no gain, no loss. Now that I am trying to use the negative in my life to springboard forward and move on, it seems that sadness I had (and still do, inside) possessed was much more severe than I had once thought. It's such a contrast to how I have been feeling and the direction I am moving in, that when I re-visit such depths, always unwillingly, it feels like the lowest of lows. I've learned that this is only a reflection of how positive I must be seeing myself, if each time I get knocked into a bad state for an hour or so it feels worse than I have ever been, it is because it feels bad compared to my current progress. If I were not progressing then it would seem like the same, monotonous pattern of: happy happy sad happy happy sad happy and so on and so forth, but it's not, it's happier happier sad happier happier sad etc so that every time I am sad I am thinking "fuck it this really how low I was, I really thought this of myself and of others?"

Should I even post this? I am somewhere in the middle of the two contrasts so I am unsure if I will come across as a madman rambling or a sane person reflecting on depression.. hmmm.